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QUESTIONS ABOUT
18 LANGUAGES FOR MODERN LOVE
An important note:
Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love, The Speaking from the Heart Workbook, the Modern Love Intensive, and the 18 Languages for Modern Love (LML) framework are not in any way part of The 5 Love Languages® series of products published by Northfield Publishing and the Moody Bible Institute.
Any reference to "love language" or "love languages" in my content and works is used to describe and convey the idea of the many unique and nuanced ways humans express, receive, and identify love. These references are not an implication of affiliation with or endorsement of The 5 Love Languages® or its series of books and products.
What exactly is a love language?
Love languages are an idea related to the ways people express, identify, and receive love (and also care, affection, and respect). Think about them like literal languages: there are upwards of 6,500 different languages in the world, which means there are at LEAST 6,500 different ways humans communicate with each other. Many languages also have various dialects (German has 250!) which are like languages within a language. While we all may be saying the same or similar things, we use a wide variety of words, movements, and sounds to express them, and there is no single “official” or “correct” way to do it. Same goes for love.
Why should I care about learning my Languages for Modern Love?
I mean, you don’t have to! Languages for Modern Love are just one tool among many that can help build, strengthen, and maintain relationships and community. But since you asked, here’s why I recommend it to most of the people I work with:
It can be tough (though not impossible!) to connect, understand, and relate to each other when we’re speaking different languages — especially if we’re expecting others to prioritize or automatically understand ours. This is why it can be helpful not only to recognize and respect all the unique ways people communicate, but also make effort to learn about them.
Some of us have a hard time even KNOWING what we need in order to feel love, and we may have never thought about how we show love to others. Learning about the many ways love can be shown and received gives us options and insight. We might also end up being introduced to forms of expression that feel WAY more powerful and impactful than what we’re used to. For example, Italian might be someone’s first language, but learning Afrikaan or Japanese gave them new ways to express themselves and feel heard on a different level. That doesn’t mean Italian is no longer useful — it means that person has options and a deeper understanding of how they can and want to communicate with the world.
So how can doing Languages for Modern Love work help me?
Doing this work can help us clue in to the fact that the ways we’ve been communicating our love to others might be missing the mark, because we’ve been speaking Greek to folks who only understand Arabic — but blaming THEM for the miscommunication.
I’m going to take the language analogy (Anne-alogy?) even further. I believe that love is one of the most commonly misunderstood, miscommunicated, and misidentified feelings we experience in part because it’s often represented as though love can only be expressed in one universal way. That would be like traveling around the world assuming that every country speaks your first language. Imagine how misunderstood, isolated, or even angry you might feel speaking Swiss German throughout Hong Kong. You might leave believing that Hongkongers are unfriendly because every time you said “Guten Morgen” they looked a little confused and replied with, “早晨.” Or you might consider that, because you struggled to connect with those Hongkongers, that you’re unworthy of their love, or that no one understands you. But what’s ACTUALLY true? You went to Hong Kong but didn’t speak a word of Cantonese!
QUESTIONS ABOUT SPEAKING FROM THE HEART: 18 LANGUAGES FOR MODERN LOVE
Why did The 5 Love Languages® need an expansive update?
CW: mention of sexual abuse
Several reasons, including:
The original 5 were created with a particular relationship in mind: heterosexual monogamous marriage. That’s not everyone’s experience, identity, or desire in life!
Countless readers — especially queer and transgender folks — struggled to see themselves in the original 5 (for a variety of reasons) and felt left out and ignored.
The person who wrote The 5 Love Languages® and their corresponding quizzes and texts is a Christian minister with no formal training in anything related to love, relationships, or counseling. He began “counseling” heterosexual married couples 30+ years ago when he was a pastor and had couples coming to him for advice. His perspective on love and relationships is rooted in heteronormativity, binary gender roles, and limiting belief systems, and it is greatly influenced by his personal experience of being married. Also, he’s homophobic. (No really, Google it.)
The 5 Love Languages® discusses love in the context of long-term romantic relationships, as though that’s the only appropriate or permitted container in which love is experienced. Love is universal, important, and exists in every relationship in our lives! And there are WAY more than just 5 ways to express or receive it.
It’s been 30 years since The 5 Love Languages® came out and it has remained unchanged, un-updated, and unchallenged. The author has repeatedly dismissed suggestions for expanding the love languages, most recently in a NYTimes.com article that profiled him.
The 5 Love Languages® sexualizes physical touch, labeling sex as a way to communicate love to others. While this is how many people feel about sex, it is a problematic association. It can make sex feel obligatory within romantic relationships, especially marriage, and makes it challenging or dangerous for partners to decline; it can be used as a way to push and challenge boundaries; and it can make navigating sex within romantic relationships feel confusing and even harmful. Conflating love with sex also is connected to child sexual abuse.
If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence, sexual abuse or coercion, or needs help leaving a harmful relationship, please refer them to these resources:Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network: https://www.rainn.org/ - 1.800.656.HOPE (4673) (24/7 hotline)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/ - 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) TTY 1.800.787.3224 or text "START" to 88788
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: https://ncadv.org/learn-more/resourcesHelping Survivors: https://helpingsurvivors.org/
National Dating Abuse Helpline: www.loveisrespect.org - 1.866.331.9474
National Child Abuse Hotline/Childhelp: www.childhelp.org - 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ - 1.866.488.7386 or Online Chat Support or text 678-678Speaking for myself, I don’t want to learn about love from someone who thinks the experience of love is simple and straight-forward enough to categorize into 5 inflexible “languages,” leave unchanged for three decades, and reject any attempt to update and expand them.
I also do not want to learn from someone who has profited from packaging Christian values, patriarchal gender roles, and antiquated belief systems as relationship counseling or the “secret” to lasting love.
After years of modifying the concept in real time with my clients, often as a result of seeing how they harmfully interpreted and applied this author’s messaging, I decided to put my updates and expansive perspective on paper to create something more realistic, more applicable to modern relationships, completely detached from religious doctrine, and way more representative of what love can look and feel like.
There has been lots of support and accolades for The 5 Love Languages® over the years, as well as valid and thoughtful critique — I recommend reading this, this, and this, and listening to this, and if you want to take a DEEP dive, read this book. It’s possible to benefit from and feel good about the concept while also feeling critical or uncomfortable about The 5 Love Languages®, its author, and/or its publishers. Multiple things can be true at the same time and many feelings can be felt at once.
Feel differently than I do about all of this? Great! I don’t need or want you to agree with me. I want you to be fully informed so you can decide what you believe and how you feel!
How did you come up with all of these Languages for Modern Love?
I’ve always used the love language concept in my work, except with all kinds of caveats and content warnings, and anytime I thought of an alternative or adjustment, I wrote it down. Over time, I had enough content ideas to start writing out a new series of Languages for Modern Love , and when I sat down to do it, they just poured out of me.
Why 18?
By the time I was done free-writing and editing, there were 18 on the page! The Languages for Modern Love outlined in my book and guided through in my workbook are the result of 7-ish years of observation of myself and others (including hundreds of clients) and my work in the sexuality and relationships field — and by no means are we limited to these 18.
I’m low-key overwhelmed. How do I deal?
That makes sense! Seeing 18 Languages for Modern Love in front of you when you’re used to just 5 can feel like a lot at first.
The 18 Languages for Modern Love in my book and workbook aren’t meant to be memorized or categorized; they’re more of a tool for exploration and self-reflection. Any overwhelm you’re feeling will probably fade as you get more familiar with them.
Is there a quiz?
Not exactly! This book isn’t as “quizzable” as “the 5,” but even if it was, I wouldn’t make one!
Hear me out:
In my experience working in the sex and relationship fields, I’ve found that the original love language quiz became people’s main focal point. Viewers could simply answer 20sih multiple choice questions and have their love language(s) presented to them in less than a minute. This took the introspection, critical thinking, consideration, and personal work out of the process, AND it sort of gave unspoken permission for folks to ignore or deprioritize the love languages that didn’t show up in their quiz results, as if they didn’t matter or apply to them.
It also turned the concept of love languages into a kind of personality test that people not only use to instantly qualify or disqualify romantic partners, but also make powerful value judgments on themselves and others.
It’s also important to note that the online versions of these quizzes are methods of collecting email addresses and personal data, which becomes a valuable marketing and promotion tool for the author, publishing company, and any affiliated outlets. It’s a common and effective practice, but not something I’m interested in participating in.
Instead, I created a workbook to help folks navigate the 18 Languages for Modern Love and get clear about which ones they resonate with the most. It can be used solo OR with a partner and will NOT gamify the process or categorize you!
But how will I know which Languages for Modern Love are mine?
Well that’s the thing — I don’t believe that we “are” or “own” one (or more) Languages for Modern Love. The ways we express love might be totally different from the ways we receive it AND they may be different depending on the relationship. There’s a good chance that multiple Languages for Modern Love will — and won’t! — resonate for different reasons and in different contexts, and that’s kinda the point! All expressions of love are valid.
Why did you choose to use so many illustrations in the book?
A few reasons:
I used illustrations to complement the written descriptions and I think it turned out great!
The written word can only go so far. Visuals can help make concepts feel easier to understand.
This book is meant to be accessible, inviting, and welcoming. Not everyone learns or reads the same way.
Illustrations are fun!
Why are you so obsessed with platonic love?
LOL! If I’m obsessed with anything, it’s cats, not platonic love.
I get into this more in the book itself, but short answer: love is so often represented only within romantic relationships and gives the impression (sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly) that love isn’t a “thing” that can be felt and expressed among friends, coworkers, friends with benefits, neighbors, or community members. Love is universal and essential, and sexualizing or romanticizing it only hurts us. I want the book to help folks feel comfortable and familiar with expressing and receiving love in ALL the relationships in their lives!
Is there be a print or Kindle edition?
Yes! It’s currently available to purchase for digital e-readers from your favorite ebook shop online. I am in the process of formatting Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love in print form, and The Speaking from the Heart Workbook: A Practical Guide to Langauges for Modern Love is now available in paperback!
Is there an audiobook available?
Soon! I’ll be recording myself reading the book straight through and offering it as an MP3 in my online shop.
QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW TO READ/USE THE CONTENT
Is there a “right” way to read the book?
Nope! I recommend reading it through with no expectations or goals aside from seeing how you feel. Maybe keep paper or a notebook nearby in case something you read REALLY resonates so you can look back on it. But really, there are no rules here.
Better yet, get a copy of The Speaking from the Heart Workbook so you can really dive into your Languages for Modern Love and get even clearer about which ones are most impactful to you!
Is there a “wrong” way to read the book?
Well, right/wrong is binary talk and I’m not a fan…but it IS possible to use or experience this book in a way that’s not intended and could feel icky.
Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love is not an instruction manual or a tool to use to evaluate other people’s abilities or assume their love languages. It’s meant to help us recognize OUR needs and expressions of love and see what we feel capable of or comfortable with.
It’s also not a checklist to make sure that you or someone else is “doing it right.” The examples I give for each Language for Modern Love is what they CAN look like, not what they MUST or SHOULD look like. The descriptions and their associated illustrations are meant to help us visualize or imagine what each Language for Modern Love could look or feel like both on the giving and receiving end.
There is no expectation for folks to successfully enact each example of what a Language for Modern Love can look like, nor is there an expectation for people to resonate or be able to engage with all 18. The examples are there to help us better understand the Languages for Modern Love themselves and figure out what might feel good, what might feel missing, what might feel challenging, and what’s outright on our “nope” list. I, for one, struggle deeply with Platonic Touch, but knowing that it’s a powerful Language for Modern Love for others (my spouse included) doesn’t make me any less lovable or capable of love. It just means that Platonic Love isn’t a Language for Modern Love I comfortably “speak,” and fortunately it’s not my only option!
Let’s meet ourselves and others where we/they are at, not where they “should” be. (“Should” statements are harmful, y’all!)
I feel super inspired but need some help. Can someone coach me through these Languages for Modern Love?
Of course! You can book a one-on-one coaching session with me using my online scheduler.
Are there worksheets? A workbook? I want more!
Yes! The Speaking from the Heart Workbook: A Practical Guide to Languages for Modern Love is now on sale! Join my email list to be first to know when it’s available for purchase! Scroll all the way to the bottom of this page to sign up.
How can I introduce this Languages for Modern Love concept to my partner(s)?
That’s up to you! The book can be a great conversation starter, but if you feel a little awkward sending them the link, why not try playing with the digital flash cards? You can use them as communication tools (ex. What does “Acts of Empathy” mean to you?) or even turn them into a word association game. Get creative!
You also can purchase The Speaking from the Heart Workbook and complete some of the exercises together. This could be especially fun for those who resonate with Teamwork as one of their Languages for Modern Love! :-)
How can I introduce this Languages for Modern Love concept to my clients and/or students?
I’ve created teaching tools that coaches, educators, and therapists can use during discussion of love languages. The package includes a full-color infographic that outlines all 18 Languages for Modern Love and 18 digital flash cards that can be used in a virtual classroom or session. Both can be printed, too!
You may also find that some of the worksheets or exercises in The Speaking from the Heart Workbook could make for a fun and interactive lesson plan. Just please be sure to credit me and the workbook if you use them with others.
What’s the most ethical way to use your content on my social media channels?
This is such a thoughtful question and I wish more people asked it! My most hopeful goal is to make sure that any info, tools, or perspective that has come from Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love or The Speaking from the Heart Workbook is given the appropriate credit. I have learned that some practitioners have passed off the expansive Languages for Modern Love concept (and the 18 Languages for Modern Love) as their own, which is so disappointing!
Here is what providing credit or attribution can look like:
Crediting @theannehodder on social media posts posts
Linking to this website (https://www.languagesformodernlove.com/) anytime links are permitted
Using my full name, Anne Hodder-Shipp, when referring to me or my work
Crediting the ebook itself (ex. this came from Anne Hodder-Shipp's ebook, Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love!)
Crediting the workbook itself (ex. this is an exercise originally from Anne Hodder-Shipp’s The Speaking from the Heart Workbook!)
You do not have permission to profit from posting or re-posting anything you find in Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love, The Speaking from the Heart Workbook, or from affiliated social media accounts, or to pass anything you learned or read from it as your own. If you re-post someone else’s content about my ebook, the workbook, and/or the 18 Languages for Modern Love, you must credit them, too.
Can I print the ebook and workbook so I have physical copies?
If you have purchased the book or workbook, you have permission to print them out for yourself. You do not have permission to print copies in order to give it to someone else and you do not have permission to print more than one copy of each unless you’re replacing a damaged printout.
If you have a friend, family member, or client who wants access (or you want them to have access), you must either purchase copies for them or have them purchase their own copies. Those copies can then be printed out.
Photocopies of existing printouts are never permitted.
You do not have permission to profit from re-creating, copying, or re-printing anything you find in Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love or The Speaking from the Heart Workbook, or to pass anything you learned or read from it as your own.
The book and workbook are now available in paperback! If you would like official print copies - like, actual perfect-bound books - buy the workbook here or buy the paperback book here!
How do you enforce these parameters?
I choose to trust that people will do the right thing, and I give them the benefit of the doubt. If I learn of a particularly egregious violation, however, I will enforce my right to take legal action against copyright violations.
I encourage anyone who finds someone to be in violation of the above-mentioned boundaries to call on them to make a change, acknowledge their actions, and hold themselves accountable. I learned about calling on vs. calling in/out from the inimitable Sonya Renee Taylor (via Dr. Bianca Laureano) and I encourage you to learn about it, too.
Click here to watch Sonya’s TEDx Talk about accountability culture.
Click here to learn from Sonya about choosing Calling On vs. Calling In or Calling Out.
QUESTIONS ABOUT ORDERS
I ordered digital products but I got a link error…
That happens sometimes! Just email me at anne@annehodder.com with a screenshot of your order confirmation page and I’ll attach what you purchased in my reply.
I ordered digital products a while ago but now I can’t find them. Can you send me new ones?
Short answer: no.
Longer answer: Please think of the digital products you are purchasing as though they are physical products. If you bought a book from a bookstore and then lost it, would you expect that bookstore to replace it for free? If you purchased a poster from a record store last year and forgot to pack it when you moved to a new apartment, would you expect that record store to give you another poster for free? I hope not.
After you buy something from me, download it immediately. Put the files somewhere safe and accessible, like in a cloud folder, USB drive, or on a desktop/laptop. Or back up the files on your phone so you can download them when you get a new phone.
If you lose them or can’t find them, you will have to purchase new ones.
How do I buy multiple copies of the digital products?
Because these are digital documents, multiple copies require multiple purchases. A bit of a hassle, I know, but it helps prevent unauthorized sharing AND makes it easy for you to have the ebook and digital workbook emailed directly to whoever you want to have it.
Do you offer bulk pricing?
I am happy to consider bulk pricing for digital products on a case-by-case basis, typically for orders of 50 copies or more.
For print products, I can authorize a bulk shipment from the printer and mail it directly to you. Shipping and handling costs depend on the number of books you request. Email me for details!
I live outside of the U.S. or Canada. Can I place an order?
Absolutely! Email me what you would like to purchase, the quantity, and your mailing address. I’ll calculate shipping ahead of time and reply with the total cost and payment method. Once the payment is made, I will put your order in the mail!
Can I track my print book or workbook order?
The printer I use does not connect to online stores, which means it does not automatically update your order status online or via email. Inconvenient, I know. For transparency, here is what happens when you place a print order and what to expect:
I receive your order alert via email.
I order your workbook/book(s) from my printer within 48 business hours of receiving your order alert.
The printer estimates the printing process takes 5 business days from receipt of my order.
Once printed, the printer ships your order to the address you provided me. They do not offer a shipping time estimate, but I find it takes at least 7 business days to get to most U.S. states. Longer for Alaska and Hawaii. (I have tested this myself.)
By default, we use our printer’s Standard Ground shipping option because it provides us with a tracking number. Standard Ground shipping averages $9.95 per order. (This increases slightly when purchasing more than one book or workbook.) This is the fee my printer charges me for each order. I do not have control over shipping costs.
An additional $1 is added for each additional workbook or book in the order. For example, an order for 1 workbook costs $9.95 to ship; an order for 2 workbooks costs $10.95 to ship; an order for 3 workbooks costs $11.95 to ship; etc.If you need to make any changes to your existing order, including updating the shipping address, please email me at anne@annehodder.com immediately. There may not be time to make those changes, but it’s worth a shot.
Your workbook/book(s) will arrive in brown cardboard box/envelope packaging.
If you placed a pre-order for the paperback edition of Speaking from the Heart, first of all: THANK YOU! The book has been at the printer ready for orders since Jan. 25, 2024. The printer has been trying to fix an error in the cover file, which has caused frustrating delays. Your order will be fulfilled as soon as the problem has been fixed, and I will send you an email once your order shipment has been confirmed. Thank you so much for your patience AND for your support!
If you have questions or concerns about anything not listed on this page, please email me at anne@annehodder.com.